Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm Not Dead - Yet

I just read the following on someone else's blog and thought it was funny and mostly true. Maybe you'll enjoy it, too. It's attributed to Dave Barry, a syndicated newspaper columnist.


25 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. If there is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he WILL NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

20. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

21. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

22. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

23. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

24. Nobody is normal.

25. Your friends love you anyway.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Nice, Nina. I especially like #5. How are ya? Hope you're well.